ATTENTION: This text contains fictional narrative elements to facilitate understanding.
São Paulo, exactly noon on a slightly sunny Saturday. I’m watching my father playing with my two-year-old son: he picks him up, kisses his cheek, shows him a toy car he bought for him… things he never did with me.
Years ago, this would have been a reason for resentment on my part. Pure nonsense, needless to say. With the maturity I have today, I’ve come to understand that parents pour the love they wished they had given to their children onto their grandchildren, in an attempt to redeem themselves from past mistakes.
Most children are not planned. I would say hardly any are. Often, couples come together solely because of the child, or at the very least, they refrain from divorcing because of them. When children are born, parents are young and immature, unable to stabilize their sensitive world and lacking financial stability. As a result, they work themselves to the bone and struggle to guide their children properly in life. Decades pass and they are more mature, calmer, and enjoy greater comfort than before. But now time has passed: the days spent away from their children and the moments they were strict are gone – and with that, much resentment lingers in their hearts. For the father and mother who were absent from their children’s lives, the regret is so strong that they see themselves with no chance of reversing it after their children have grown.
But then the opportunity arises: just as parents do, their children have children. The grandchild emerges, the figure onto which all the love that has been stored for decades without being able to escape will be poured. There are spoils, affection, gifts… the grandparents’ lives take on a new light, a new direction: the well-being of that new soul. Now the grandfather helps pay for soccer school, takes them to the park, to the cinema, buys gifts, and much more. It’s not uncommon to hear phrases like “In my day, your grandfather wasn’t like this.” And perhaps it wasn’t even possible: in their 20s or 30s, who knows anything? Who can express love in the right way? Who has the sensitivity to care for a new life? He did what he could with what he knew, but perhaps it wasn’t good enough. Now, looking back and recognizing the mistakes, he struggles to correct them belatedly.
I see this clearly in my life: woe to me if I put my feet up on my father’s car seat! But my son does it freely and is never reprimanded. My son steps on his pants with his shoes, smears his face with his drool, and gets away with it. Needless to say, with me, 10% of these actions would have ended in fights and punishments.
And there’s another crucial factor here: grandparents do not have direct responsibility for the child’s education. If your grandchild has any disobedience issues, it’s the parents who deal with it. Thus, they don’t need to worry about treating their grandchildren with care and they shower them with indulgences and favors. Hence the curious maxim that “grandparents spoil grandchildren.”
That’s just how life is, nothing to be done. We might be the best parents in the world, but we’ll be even better grandparents – and our children will tell their children how strict we used to be. All we can do is think graciously about it all.
And if your father is like this, don’t feel bad about it. Look on the bright side: imagine if he treated your child the same way he treated you?